


You're stuck on my brain

by dizzydreamerphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Blowjobs, Creative Liberties, Cussing, Dirty Talk, Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Some angst, Songfic, Talk of Past Relationships, Unrequited Love, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-02 11:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6564997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzydreamerphan/pseuds/dizzydreamerphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil aren't a couple. That's what Dan tries to convince himself. The drunken kisses in hotel rooms and the too intense confessions don't mean anything. Or does it?</p><p>Unrequited love, angst filled story. Loosely based around the lyrics of “Is there Somewhere” by Halsey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're stuck on my brain

**Author's Note:**

> This story just popped in my head when I was listening to Halsey and let's face it, I apply every song to Dan and Phil.  
> Probably already been done, I don't know. This story just helped me get through some writers block and I hope you enjoy.

 

 

_“You were dancing in your tube socks in our hotel room,_

_Flashing those eyes like highway signs._

_Light one up and hand it over, rest your head upon my shoulder._

_I just wanna feel your lips against my skin”_

  
Dan was thoroughly enjoying his birthday party. Going to Las Vegas was literally the most fun he has had in a while and was so glad they were able to do this. He remembered Phil’s blue eyes bright with excitement as he was bouncing on the balls of his feet in their apartment. He was so animated, waving something in front of Dan, speaking too rapidly for him to make out the words at first. “Dan! I booked the tickets! We are totally going to Vegas for your birthday!” Phil was repeating. After registering the words, Dan shared in the excitement and began to plan every detail with Phil. 

Fast forward a month and they were going crazy in Vegas. It was Chris, PJ, Phil, and himself. He remembered the slot machines, the crazy Elvis impersonators, but most was remembering the copious amounts of alcohol. (And at one point, joking with Phil that they should go get married and how they both headed to the chapel before Chris realized what was happening.) With his head spinning, Dan could barely walk anymore. Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one and they called it a night. Somehow, Phil had more motor control and managed to walk Dan back to their room, where Dan promptly collapsed on the bed.

He was quite ready to call it a night and closed his eyes, perfectly fine with passing out. Phil was still hyped up though and turned on some music- a One Direction song. “Really, Phil?” Dan cracked open one eye and watched in amazement as Phil belted out the words and proceeded to dance around the room, tripping over his own shoelaces and Dan winced at how close Phil came to destroying the table lamp. Not letting that stop him, Phil flung off his shoes and kept dancing. Dan couldn’t stop laughing and _oh my god this was a perfect night._

Phil finally fell on the bed right next to Dan and out of nowhere had a bottle of vodka in his hands and was taking a gulp. Dan blinked. Yup, bottle of vodka. Clearly, Dan had missed where that came from. Dan was mesmerized at how Phil’s lips wrapped around the glass neck and if Dan was sober he would try to stop those thoughts before they got too explicit. He made grabbing hands at the bottle, not really wanting more alcohol but had to satisfy an urge to put his lips where Phil’s had been. He took a swig of alcohol, not even feeling the burn due to how drunk he already was. He didn’t realize he was laughing until Phil starting laughing with him, the bed shaking from it. Phil turned his head and his blues eyes met Dan’s.

Dan couldn’t help his actions next, not when Phil's expression lost the playfulness and was intently staring back at him. Dan licked his lips and inched closer and his drunken mind registered the initial shock in Phil’s eyes- but then his cheek was grabbed and Phil was hungrily kissing him. Dan groaned into it, feeling like he had been waiting a million years for this, which to be honest, he kind of had been. Hands were pulling fabric and Dan’s shirt was quickly removed. Hands touched skin and Dan couldn’t process anymore. All he knew was that they were making out and grinding against each other.

It was a blur after that.

When Dan woke up the next morning, his head was pounding. He slowly opened his eyes- thankful the hotel room had such heavy blackout curtains. It took him a moment to realize that Phil was laying next to him. Why was Phil in his bed? And why he was half undressed?

All of sudden, Dan’s memory came back and he started to panic. He couldn’t believe that they did that! He could feel his underwear and how uncomfortable it was. _Oh my god, he came in his underwear!_  Face burning, he slowly slid out of the bed, freezing when Phil moved but thankfully kept sleeping. Dan tiptoed to the bathroom and softly shut the door. He leaned against the counter, staring at his reflection. His mouth had the texture of sandpaper and he stunk of alcohol, though he noticed his skin also had a slight scent of Phil’s cologne. Wanting to feel better, he turned on the water and splashed his face with cool water from the sink.

The water felt good so Dan decided to take a shower. He slowly undressed himself (after leaning on the counter for support after he felt like he was going to puke) and eased into the shower and tried to clean away the remnants of last night. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he loved making out with Phil; he had been hiding away a crush on him forever. Now, he was worried Phil would be freaked out and not want to stay friends. He was so stupid! Why did he have to kiss him? (Dan tried to block out the fact that Phil was the one to make the first move with kissing.) He climbed out of the shower and dried off. Dan didn’t feel that comfortable walking out in just a towel, not after what just happened so he put back on his pants. Dan would quickly get new clothes and retreat back to change. With that game plan set, he turned off the light and opened the door, only to be met with Phil standing awkwardly outside.

“Oh, sorry,” Dan said, though he wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for.

“It’s fine.” Phil’s face was red, avoiding eye contact.

Dan struggled to find something to say. “I’m done in the bathroom, if you want it.” Dan cringed at how this conversation was going.

Phil look relieved and mumbled thanks, brushing past Dan and shutting the door. Dan sighed, praying this awkward dance wouldn’t last. After getting changed and trying to feel somewhat less hungover, Dan sat down on the messy bed and refused to entertain his mind with the actions of the previous night. He was pulled from his thoughts when Chris texted him asking if they were still alive and he was eating breakfast if Dan wanted to join.

Thankful for the escape, Dan sent a couple texts with Chris and got up and knocked on the bathroom door and cracked it open. “Phil!” He called into the room, trying to be heard over the water and not paying attention to the shadow of Phil's naked body.

Phil’s voice answered back, “Yeah?”

“I’m going down to eat something with Chris. PJ is still sleeping in his room. You can stop by after your shower if you want.” Wow, because that sounded inviting, he scolded himself.

“Okay, thanks.” Phil’s voice was somehow devoid of much emotion, or was Dan reading into it? As he wandered down to the lobby, he couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted to kiss Phil again but worried that everything was ruined now.

  
  
_“White sheets, bright lights, crooked teeth, and the night life._

_You told me this is right where it begins._

_But your lips hang heavy underneath me._

_And I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me.”_

 

You think Dan would have learned that hotel rooms, alcohol and Phil is a bad combination. They didn't bring up Dan’s birthday and somehow moved past any awkwardness and were back to their usual selves. Dan had steadfastly avoided even making the slightest reference to birthdays, Las Vegas, or even drinking. The conversations were always light and airy and they both refused to acknowledge the longing looks or the excuses they found to ‘accidentally’ touch each other in a small, insignificant way. (Though Dan was sure this was all in his head.)

Yet, here they were in a new hotel bed. Rolling around in the white sheets, panting into each other’s mouths.

They were at this hotel for a YouTube event and had gotten rowdy with their friends in a room. He remembered cheering as Phil took another shot and how his heart beat crazy when Phil smiled at him. They were hanging off each other the whole night and at one point, Phil’s lips had grazed Dan’s ear, sending shocks through his body. If they touched a lot and were overly affectionate, no one commented or noticed because everyone was having too much fun to pay close attention. Dan took a couple more shots, hoping that he could play being drunk and could get away with having his hand come into contact with Phil's ass and not have Phil think twice. 

At one point, Dan had been dared to do a strip tease later that night and he remembered how Phil’s eyes were dark with lust, watching Dan’s every move. The cat-calls and whistles cheered Dan on as he removed his shirt and waved it around his head. The laughter from everyone was deafening but Dan could only focus on Phil- who wasn’t laughing. After meeting Phil’s gaze, Dan unbuttoned his jeans and stuck his hands down his pants and pretended to palm himself. His head was thrown back and licked his lips, letting out exaggerated moans. (If he was intentionally doing this to show off for Phil, well sue him.) When he glanced back at Phil, he saw Phil licking his lips and shifting on the chair, looking uncomfortable and slightly angry? Phil jumped up and somehow distracted everyone with more alcohol and before Dan could process what was happening, Phil's hand was clamped on his wrist. Phil dragged Dan out of the room and down the hall, not even looking back at their friends to see if anyone noticed. Phil didn’t even bother to put the card key in their door before he grabbed Dan with demanding hands and pressed his whole body against Dan’s. Dan could feel Phil’s erection pressing into his body and oh my god, Dan’s head was spinning. The knowledge that he could do that to Phil was intoxicating.

They were making out in the hallway where anyone could walk by but they didn’t care. Phil was biting down on Dan’s lips and Dan was tugging Phil’s shirt out of his pants so he could run his hands up and down his back. Phil finally pulled away and was fumbling with the key. As soon as the door unlocked, they fell into the room, slamming the door shut. Their hands were gripping each other’s hair and lips smashed against each other. Phil ran his tongue along Dan’s bottom lip and he groaned, mouth falling open, granting the tongue all access to his mouth. Both boys were stumbling backwards, trying to locate the bed. Dan’s heart was pounding so loud and all he wanted was more contact with Phil.

“Fuck, Dan.” Phil was whispering against Dan’s neck, causing shivers to erupt on his skin. Phil’s voice was deep, and oh god so dirty. "Did you enjoy putting on that show for everyone?" Phil questioned, his breath hot on Dan's skin. Phil nipped the side of Dan's neck, causing a slight prickle of pain. "You're mine, Dan. I only get to see you like this." Dan shivered at the words and couldn't stop the moan that left his lips. In response, Phil dug his hands into Dan's hips and pulled his body closer and kissed him hungrily. It was so dirty and rough. And fuck, Dan wanted more.

Dan was trying to get Phil’s shirt completely off while Phil was working on Dan’s jeans, though that was surprisingly hard since they were glued together but Dan did not want to have any distance between them. Dan had a thought that he left his shirt in the other room but his brain was quickly shut off when Phil brushed against Dan’s erection with his hand through the fabric of his pants, pressing his hand against it.

After somehow managing to walk backward to the bed and not break contact, Phil pushed Dan down. Falling on top of Dan on the soft bed, Phil pulled the jeans down Dan’s long legs and threw them over his shoulder. Dan’s breath caught at how Phil looked, blue eyes darkened- pupils blown. He was biting his bottom lip, staring down at Dan’s body and breathing heavy. He leaned down and started to kiss a trail from Dan’s nipples down his stomach. He dragged his tongue around the top of the waistband of Dan's boxers and continued moving down while simultaneously pulling Dan’s underwear off. Dan was mumbling incoherent words, trying to get Phil to stop teasing him and right when Dan thought he would have to yell at Phil to please do something, Phil’s mouth was on Dan’s cock and and holy shit that was fucking heaven.

Dan was grabbing at Phil, trying to touch all of him. He was trying to grip Phil’s ass but was met with a denim barrier. He pushed against Phil's shoulder, forcing his mouth off of Dan’s dick.  Phil’s lips were shiny with saliva and shit Dan didn’t want to come so soon but that alone was torture on his resolve. He had a thought that he only wanted to be the one to see Phil like this. “Phil,” Dan whined. “Clothes off. I have to feel your skin.” He didn't want to start begging but he would if Phil wasn't naked soon.

“Yeah, yeah.” Phil agreed. He quickly stripped off his clothes and his dick was hard and the tip was shiny with precum. Dan licked his lips, desire surging through him and any thoughts of dignity were already thrown out the hypothetical window.

“I want your dick in my mouth.” Dan was pleading, not caring anymore how he sounded. He pushed Phil down on the bed and climbed on top, immediately lowering his head down between Phil’s legs. He inhaled the scent, trying to put it to memory. He had never wanted to blow someone so bad before. Dan wanted to savor everything about his moment. Wanted to burn the image of Phil's cock in his brain, wanted to memorize the size and remember the sounds Phil was making. There just wasn't time for that and he didn't know if he would ever get this chance again. So, he pushed all thoughts aside and took Phil’s cock in his mouth, causing Phil to jerk underneath him.  His hands were tangled in Dan’s hair, grabbing and pulling it and goddamn, that was such a turn on. "Fuck, pull my hair," Dan quickly said and went back to swirling his tongue around the tip of Phil's cock, tasting the salty precum. 

“Can I fuck your mouth too?” Phil gasped out, the last word sounding choked. Dan took pleasure in the fact that he was making Phil fall apart. Dan hummed his answer hoping Phil understood that meant _fuck yes._  He opened his mouth wider and picked up speed, trying to show Phil that he wanted more. Phil gripped Dan’s hair harder and his hips started thrusting, forcing his dick farther into Dan’s mouth. Dan could barely focus; this was all too much but still not enough. He just concentrated on the way Phil sounded, the gasps and moans he was making- the way his pleas were full of Dan’s name and curse words. He was rubbing himself against the sheets between Phil's legs, the pleasure (and alcohol) making his brain hazy.

Phil was trying to pull Dan’s head back- “Dan, baby, I’m close. Oh fuck, I’m going to cum.” Dan wanted to taste all of it- didn’t want Phil’s cum to just land on his stomach. He slapped Phil’s hands away and continued his motions, swirling his tongue around the tip, teasing the slit, and then sliding his mouth over the length of Phil, making sure his tongue dragged the bottom hard against the vein. He took Phil's dick inside his mouth and tried to get it as far as possible and started to massage Phil's balls, driving Phil over the edge. With a yell, Phil came into Dan’s mouth and he swallowed before he could think too much about it. Their bodies were sweaty and Phil was panting. Dan was still hard and he knew that he would cum any second. He rolled over on the bed, to lay next to Phil. He closed his eyes and started to stroke himself. God, he needed this- his hands were working quickly and Dan didn’t try to silence the groans of pleasure.

All of a sudden, Phil was over Dan, knocking his hands away. “Let me,” Phil whispered and leaned down and grabbed Dan’s cock and started to jerk him off. Phil’s hands felt so different from his own- and felt so very good.  “Come for me, Dan.” Phil continued to whisper into Dan’s ear. “God, you look so sexy, lips swollen from my cock and your hair sticking up. So fucking hot. You’re mine, Dan.” At that, Phil bit Dan’s shoulder hard and that was all it took for Dan to scream his own release, spilling into Phil’s fist. Phil wiped the cum onto his own shirt lying next to them on the bed. He pulled Dan close and lazily started kissing him. Dan sighed into the kiss and before he knew it, they were drifting off to sleep.

The next morning, pounding on the door startled Dan, who jerked awake. His eyes met Phil’s- whose eyes clearly showed that yes, Phil was most definitely equally panicked. The knocking continued and Dan tried to scramble out of bed, only then remembering that he was completely naked and laying half on top of Phil. He froze, painfully aware of what they did last night. Judging by Phil’s nervous expression, he remembered too.

“Dan! Phil! Wake up, we have to be leaving in ten minutes for the meet-up? Are you guys awake?” Louise’s voice was saying through the door. “You haven’t answered your phones.” Dan, still staring at Phil, finally snapped out of his daze and yelled out that yeah, they were both awake and be there soon. They rolled out of bed on opposite sides and tried to cover themselves.

“Um, do you mind if I shower really quick?” Phil asked Dan, who was struck by deju vu by everything. 

Not looking in Phil’s direction, Dan nodded and gave a small grunt, hoping Phil would understand, and pretended to be searching for his clothes. Once Phil was locked away in the bathroom, Dan just sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. How did this happen again? He promised himself that he wouldn’t let anything like this happen because he knew that if it did, Dan couldn’t deny the feelings he tucked away in the recesses of his heart. If they didn't mention it the first time, Dan knew that this wouldn't be any different. 

He glanced up and saw his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a mess and there were bite marks all over his chest. He barely remembered Phil marking him but clearly it happened. The bite mark on his shoulder was the most prominent and Dan traced his finger over it, loving how it looked. He knew this wouldn't happen again. Phil clearly just wanted to be friends and friends do not do this.

But you think he would have learned.

The day passed relatively uneventful and they soon forgot to be uncomfortable with each other. He didn’t even blush when Louise reminded him that his shirt was still on her floor after Dan decided to start stripping. His face was carefully blank and he reminded himself to not care how Phil stared at him for longer than necessary after that. Not caring how later that day, Phil’s hand lingered on his when they sat next to each other or how he rubbed his foot against Dan's calf and slowly worked up to his thigh and between his legs. Not caring that when Dan fidgeted with his shirt collar and accidentally exposed the bite mark that was a prominent shade of purple, Phil bit his bottom lip and stared at Dan's shoulder the rest of the night. Nope, not caring how they rallied everyone up that night for more drinks and definitely didn’t care how they snuck off after silently communicating with their eyes it was time to leave. If they then rolled around the white sheets in their hotel room again... well, it's not like that was a big deal.

Not caring how when they went back to their flat, it was like nothing ever happened. But the hickeys and love bites remained, silent taunts of drunken mistakes.

The third time it happened, they weren’t even at a hotel. They were just at small get together with friends. They found a reason to escape to the bathroom where Phil was on his knees on the cold tile, head bobbing between Dan’s legs while Dan had a hand towel in his mouth to muffle his moans. (They both pretended like the tequila had that effect on them, but Dan knew that both of them were still on the first drink.)

After a while, Dan lost count of how many times he was with Phil in a bed somewhere with a pretense that they were drunk. Dan also lost count of how their relationship took on a weird level where they would fuck but pretended like they didn't. Dan wanted to bring it up but something held him back, so he just continued to accept that Phil only wanted sex. (That mean inner voice in his brain taunted him that Phil had to drink to sleep with him. Dan tried to deny those thoughts but alcohol, a little bit or a lot, always played into the sex. So Dan never mentioned anything or questioned it because if that's what made Phil want to be with him, then fine. Though it seemed like every time they would have sex, they were never actually drunk.)

He also tried to tell himself that friends didn't lay in bed at night, masturbating to dirty thought of them. How Phil looked with Dan's dick in his mouth or how he now knew that Phil fucking loved getting rimmed, like loved it. How amazing the sex was and how Phil literally knew how to hit his prostate on every thrust. When Dan would orgasm, he would tell himself that he wouldn't do it again, yet the next night found him in the same position with dirty thoughts of Phil.

 

_“I'm trying not to let it show, that I don't want to let this go._

_Is there somewhere you can meet me?_

_'Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings._

_And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing.”_

 

Dan knew that a lot of times he was over dramatic. He freaked out over the smallest things and had mini panic attacks from those existential crises. He knew that, but he couldn’t let this one go.

 He was freaking out over disappointing his parents, his friends, Phil... He didn’t have a real job and YouTube could only last for so long, right? What if his fans got tired of him or they grew up and moved on with their lives? They would be older and probably had their life worked out- and then there’s Dan who just has no fucking clue how to manage anything. He wasn’t sleeping. He kept himself awake by constantly thinking of all the worst possible situations. Dan’s eyes had purple shadows under them and he was avoiding Phil.

 Dan was burrowed in his blankets, staring at his alarm clock, when his bedroom door opened. “Dan?” Phil’s soft voice carried through Dan’s dark room. “Are you okay? You haven’t really been yourself the last couple of days.” Dan hated how worried Phil sounded. He wanted to yell, scream, throw things. Anything to make Phil leave him alone. 

“I’m fine.” Dan sighed and resumed thinking about how pathetic his life was.

 Expecting Phil to retreat because let’s be real, Dan was always having a freak out. If he were Phil, he would tell him to shut the fuck and get over it. So he was surprised when his bed dipped and Phil scooted in, forcing the blankets off of Dan so he could wrap himself up in it as well. This made Dan feel worse because no matter what was going on with Dan, he could always count on Phil to steady him. 

“Hey.” Phil’s voice was so quiet, as if he knew that speaking any louder would break Dan. “Hey, you.” He repeated after Dan refused to acknowledge him. He poked Dan in the side, causing Dan to squeal. Laughing softly, Phil tugged at Dan’s shoulder. Dan rolled over and faced Phil. Their foreheads were pressed together and Phil’s beautiful eyes were filled with nothing but concern. “Are you okay?” He asked again. “Come on, Dan, you can tell me anything. Are you worrying about the future?” Phil always knew Dan too well.

“Yeah, I’m thinking that what if no one wants to watch my videos anymore and I wither away into nothingness? I’ll have no money or a job because my only job experience is selling a fire axe to a kid and I just can’t work a normal job- I don’t know how to do anything- I’m not smart or have a degree and can’t even be a lawyer because I fucking hate law and I hate school and I just- “Dan’s ramble was cut short when Phil’s soft lips pressed against Dan’s. 

“You should stop worrying, Dan. You will always have me.” Phil pulled Dan closer and wrapped his whole body around him. “I mean it; I’m never going anywhere.” Dan was definitely stunned into silence. Friends don’t do this. Friends don’t move in with each other and basically become so co-dependent on each other that they forget they aren’t the same person. Friends don’t get drunk and have sex. And friends don’t just climb into bed and kiss each other and cuddle. They don’t. Or do they? It's not like the whole crisis of trying to define him and Phil's relationship helped him with his thoughts. They were so deep in denial about this that he is pretty sure he will drown from the magnitude of those thoughts.

 “Dan, I can hear you worrying still. Stop.” Phil was mumbling into Dan’s neck. “Just think of the present and how this is all you need.” 

Phil was right and that was the last thought Dan had before he finally drifted off the sleep, the first real sleep he had in two days. When he woke up, he was alone. He wandered if it was a dream but the pillow smelled like Phil. He inhaled deeply and yearned for drunken kisses and cuddles. 

The next time Dan freaked out, the same thing happened. It used to be that Phil always maintained some distance... but that was before they saw each naked and had a dick in their ass. He guessed that changed things and now Phil saw no problem with climbing in bed and cuddling him. Dan didn't mind, he found that Phil held him steady and calmed the storms that raged on in Dan's brain. Dan should again be concerned that this was smudging the boundaries of their loosely defined friendship more but he pushed that little voice away and held on to Phil, breathing in his security and accepting the feather light brushes of lips that were never mentioned or the tightly intertwined hands.

(After these two incidents, Phil and Dan started to sleep in the same bed and would lay on one another on the couch. It was okay though, friends did that.)

 

_“You're writing lines about me; romantic poetry._

_Your girl's got red in her cheeks, 'cause we're something she can't see._

_And I try to refrain but you're stuck in my brain._

_And all I do is cry and complain because second's not the same.”_

 

Dan was remembering years ago when they were living in their Manchester flat, Phil brought home a girl that he liked. Dan couldn’t deny that his heart felt like it was being ripped into shreds but he faked a smile and was nice to her. Phil seemed happy, so that was all that mattered.

He ignored the way that they giggled or how they were always wrapped up in each other. He hated it. He hated how Phil would talk about her and spend his time texting her. More importantly, he hated his jealousy. He began to distance himself from Phil and spent more time out of their flat. That in itself was unusual because he liked to stay inside and play video games or lose himself on the internet.

He began to explore the streets of Manchester and no place was off limits. He would get up early and return late. Phil started to notice his behavior and tried to question where he was going. Dan shrugged and never told him. He wanted this to be a secret, though he was literally just browsing a bookstore or sitting on a park bench feeling sorry for himself and thinking about Phil and his girlfriend. Two weeks went by and Dan began to flirt with this barista in small café that he started to frequent. He exchanged numbers and soon was wrapped up in the guy. Anything to distract Dan from his own misery.

It seemed like this got Phil's attention because all of sudden, Phil was always asking questions about who Dan was texting or where he would go for long hours. Dan never really answered his questions and tried to force away the hurt every time Phil’s girlfriend came over. Their friendship was fraying and neither knew when it was going to rip completely. It wasn’t until one day that Dan was in the kitchen, making a cup of coffee that Phil came in, holding Dan’s phone.

“Who is Darren?” Phil asked.

Dan froze, the spoon frozen above the mug. “Um, a friend, why?”

“Because your friend called you twice in five minutes and just sent you a text asking if you planned on having a date night with him tomorrow because he missed his _Dan_.” Phil’s voice sounded off and slightly accusatory. He slid Dan’s phone over to him and before Dan could react, Phil stormed out of the room. Confused by this reaction but not wanting to cause drama, Dan shrugged and finished making coffee and retreated to his room. Don’t get Dan wrong, he liked Darren. It’s just that he wasn’t Phil. Darren was just a way to distract himself from the pain he felt each time he saw Phil with his girlfriend. Alexis. He hated that name and hated her- though she was a nice person. It’s just that she was with Phil and not him.

Dan remembered it was around this time that he got sick. At first it was just a slight cold- or so he thought. It was his fault for constantly wondering around the cold streets in town. He brushed off any concern of Phil’s and made sure to take a lot of cold medicine. He still wasn’t feeling any better after a week so he went to bed that night promising Phil he was going to the doctors the next day. Alexis had been over and he remembered her wishing him well. He mumbled thanks but inside was rolling his eyes. He didn’t want her ‘ _get wells_.’ (Though he would accept her boyfriend.)

Dan’s dreams were crazy that night and he just remembered being so hot yet so cold. His dreams took on fearsome settings- he was trapped in the forest at night and no matter where he ran, he ended back in the same spot. He was screaming Phil’s name because if anyone could save him, it was him. He was running and tripped over a tree that hadn’t been there before. There was blood- he could smell it. He saw red everywhere- it was clouding his vision. He screamed Phil’s name again and again, begging him to save him. Someone was near him, someone was coming. Was it Phil? He couldn’t tell.

Hands were grabbing him and he thrashed against them, knowing they would kill him in the forest. Someone was yelling, frantic sounds filling Dan’s ears. He thought he heard his name being called but he couldn’t make it out over a new noise that was suddenly filling his ears. Was he by an ocean? Wait, was he in water? Waves were rushing over his face and yes, he was on a beach-bright and sunny. Dan took a deep breath and it calmed him down. The water was warm and so soothing and he was just floating on the clear water. He wasn’t worried about drowning anymore. He just closed his eyes, face tilting towards the sun. Yeah, he will just take nap and he faded away into the warmth, the waves calming, no longer pushing.

When he woke up, he was in a strange place and he had a mask over his face. He started to panic, wondering what the hell was going on. His eyes darting around taking in what appeared to be a hospital bed. It was around this time that Phil’s voice was saying his name and a hand covered his. He turned his head to the left and sure enough there was Phil, eyes tired yet smiling his one-thousand-watt beam of sunshine smile.

“Dan, thank god! I was so worried about you!” Phil’s grip was tight on his hand and Dan was confused. His eyes must have registered his questions because Phil started to talk again. “You don’t remember anything?” At Dan’s slight head shake, Phil recounted last night. “Dan, I was so scared. We- Alexis and I-were in the living room when we heard a thud and then screaming. I ran into your room and you were thrashing in your blanket on the floor. Your face was covered with sweat and I tried to calm you down and wake you up. I grabbed you and you just started to scream for help and yelling my name. You somehow ended up smashing your nose against the end table and blood was pouring from it. I called an ambulance and well, now here we are.” Phil’s eyes started to get glassy and he started to cry. “Oh my god, Dan. I was so scared. I can’t lose you.”

Phil rested his head against Dan’s chest and cried. Dan couldn’t believe that all happened and he managed to end up in a hospital. Well, if it meant Phil holding his hand and paying attention to him, well, it couldn’t be all bad. After he got out of the hospital, things changed. Alexis never came over anymore nor was she mentioned. Phil began to want to spend every second with Dan and was always planning things for them to do. Without realizing it, Dan forgot about Darren. He never returned calls or texts and eventually, Darren got the message and moved on.

Now, it was years later and Dan can’t explain why he somehow starting thinking about all of that. Maybe it was because in the six years they have been living together, neither have dated since then. Neither showed any interest in… well anyone. And now their friendship had sex involved... so slightly complicating everything. Dan never flirted with anyone and let’s be honest, he only had eyes for Phil. The curiosity was burning, eating away at his thoughts. He took a deep breath- it was now or never.

“Hey, Phil.” He spoke, interrupting Phil’s Buffy Bi-monthly Rewatch Marathon. (Yes, that was an actual thing for Phil.)

“Yeah?” He glanced over, waiting for Dan to start talking.

Before he lost courage he rushed the question out. “What happened with Alexis? I don’t remember when you two stopped dating.”

Phil look a little awkward and looked away. “Um, we… she broke up with me.”

“When did that happen?” Dan was trying to not to shake Phil and demand all the details.

“The day you were in the hospital.” Phil’s voice was so serious that it took Dan by surprise. He wanted to ask more questions, but was side-tracked by Phil. “When did you stop talking to Darren?” Was it just Dan or did Phil almost spit that name out?

Dan’s answer was already out of his mouth before he could stop it. “After I got out of the hospital.”

They both started at each other, neither acknowledging the significance of this. Was it significant or was Dan reading too much into it? They both stopped talking and went back to doing what they were doing and somehow telepathically agreed to avoid each other the rest of the day.

The next day Dan couldn’t help but still reflect on this. The memory of Alexis and Darren lingered and he was never one to let things go so yeah, he brought it up again. “Why did you and Alexis break up though?” Dan asked, startling Phil who was his laptop on the couch. Dan watched Phil’s expression closely. What he was watching for, he couldn’t say. (Well, he didn't want to admit.) Phil took a long time to answer. So long that Dan was assuming he never would. He turned around and started to walk back to his bedroom.

“She broke up with me because of you.” Phil finally said, effectively stopping Dan in his tracks. “She broke up with me because she said she couldn’t play second in our relationship.” Dan’s brain was racing and he was regretting bringing this up now. Their friendship was already weird since the added whole “hey we have had each other's dick in our ass and we both really enjoyed it but we refuse to mention it” or the whole "we can be all 'couplely' but we won't ever talk about it' thing and god, he needs to stop thinking about all of that.

“Oh.” That was all he could muster after he turned around to face Phil. He cleared his throat and felt that maybe he shouldn’t say anything else.

Phil inched closer and asked him, “Why did you stop seeing Darren?” Dan’s heart was racing. He couldn’t answer that question and not fuck things up. But whatever. He guessed today they were being honest.

“Because of you.” There it was out there. The ball was in Phil’s court.

Phil didn’t seem surprised. In fact, he seemed relieved. He was still moving closer and stopped a mere foot in front of Dan. “Alexis told me that she didn’t know why I even wanted to date her. All I did was talk about you. I somehow added you in every text, every phone call, every date, everything. You were in my skin; don’t you understand?” Phil’s voice was sharp, as if it was Dan’s fault. “She said that my eyes followed you everywhere you went. When you started to spend time outside the flat, it made me crazy. I wanted to follow you. I was consumed by you. Then, you got sick and were screaming my name. I was crying- I couldn’t lose you, Dan. She broke up me afterwards. I didn’t care. I almost lost you.” Phil’s voice was now soft and fragile, his blue eyes pleading at Dan.

Dan couldn’t believe he was hearing this. “Darren was never anything. Just a distraction. I was hoping to make you jealous. Was hoping to forget about you. But how can I when you are in every fiber of my being?” The last part was almost whispered to himself but Phil heard it in the quiet room.

And just like that, the confessions were out in the open. The slowly inched toward each other and Dan was thinking that this was the moment. This was when they would kiss and it would mean something.

Their doorbell intercom went off, breaking the silence. Phil flinched and quickly jumped away from Dan.

“Uh… I ordered pizza for us. Hope you don’t mind.” Phil wouldn’t make eye contact with Dan and practically ran out of the room. When he came with the pizza, he started talking about a new anime video and sat on the opposite end of the couch. Dan felt the distance.

After dinner, he went back to his room and cried softly. He fell asleep to tortured dreams and woke up with puffy eyes. Unrequited love is a bitch. Yet how was it unrequited when they both admitted that are consumed by one another and afraid to act on it? 

 

_“I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight._

_I didn't mean to fall in love tonight._

_You're looking like you fell in love tonight._

_Could we pretend that we're in love?”_

 

After the whole confessing incident, neither Dan nor Phil really acted on their feelings, which wasn't surprising. Dan acknowledged a shift in their relationship where they were painfully polite with each other and tried to not bring up any sensitive issues. This probably would have kept going on longer if not for a YouTube meet up again that took place in the same hotel that Dan gave Phil the first blowjob in and judging by the way that Phil avoided saying the name of the hotel, he remembered that night very well. The event was going well, the alcohol was flowing and the music was pulsing through his veins, making him feel alive- maybe that wasn’t a good thing. Especially when he was sitting in a group playing a new game of “Kiss or Truth.” He wasn’t sure which one came up with the idea and he was too drunk to even know the rules. Dan lost Phil about thirty minutes ago and that didn’t help Dan entertain dark thoughts of Phil being with someone. So, to pretend like he was perfectly fine, he chugged a lot more alcohol and agreed to the game. (Drinking was supposed to help stop his thoughts about Phil but it just seemed to make it worse. He drank even more hoping he would eventually reach the point of forgetting.)

He was broken out of his furtive glances for Phil when squeals erupted around him. He glanced over and saw that Connor was dared to kiss someone but Dan again tuned everything out and kept searching for Phil. He was so engrossed that he missed the fact that it was Tyler’s turn and somehow he ended up having to kiss Dan. Dan realized what was about to happen about five seconds before Tyler’s lips were on his and he was so startled that he didn’t move. He thought it was over but apparently the rules of the game were a make out session so that’s how he ended up making out with Tyler in front of the group and was Tyler groping his ass? During all the screaming and kissing, he missed the moment when Phil wandered into the room and saw everything from start to finish. 

When they finally broke apart, the screams and cat calls still didn’t let up and Dan was slightly dazed. Tyler’s lips had to be magical because holy shit that was a great kiss and god bless alcohol for making this night bearable. Everyone was laughing at how red Tyler’s face was and he was caught up in the excitement again until he looked up and saw Phil standing there with a face that looked torn between angry and heartbroken. Well shit.

Dan jumped up and tried to get to Phil, who turned and started to walk off toward the exit. “Phil! Wait up! Hey, Phil!” Dan was yelling, not caring who heard or noticed. Phil kept his head down and ignored his pleas. Dan caught up with Phil at the end of the hallway. He was angrily pressing the elevator button and when that wasn’t working, turned to head to the stairwell. Dan grabbed Phil’s shoulder and spun him around. “Phil, hey, didn’t you hear me calling?” 

Phil brushed off Dan’s hand. “Of course I heard you. Everyone heard you.” Phil’s bitter tone cut through the drunken fog of Dan’s brain. “Just like everyone saw you making out with Tyler. He's probably wondering where his new boyfriend went.” Phil pushed Dan away and continued to glare at him. 

“Whoa. Are you mad at me for kissing Tyler?” Dan questioned, edging closer to Phil. “You’re jealous. Oh my fucking god, you’re jealous.” Dan started to laugh, the sound bouncing around the small area around the two. 

“I’m not jealous.” Phil’s hands were clenching into fists as he talked with clenched teeth. “I don’t have a problem with you kissing anyone.” The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Phil turned and walked inside, trying to get the doors to close. "You can fuck whoever you want to." Phil shot over his shoulder. 

Dan was pissed. “Oh, you don’t get to walk away from me this time.” He darted into the elevator behind Phil and continued their argument. “Where were you Phil, huh? I was looking for you yet you vanished. Were you with with someone having your own _fun_? And then you come back and see me with Tyler and you just can’t let me be with anyone else?” 

“I wasn’t with anyone, you fucking asshole. I went for a walk because I needed space. I needed to be away from you, Dan. To think about us. But then I come back to see you having a wonderful time without me.”

Phil’s words stopped all of Dan’s angry retorts that were yet to spew out. Dan swore his whole body started to tingle at Phil’s words. “Us?” His voice was low and god, he hated how it cracked on that one syllable. “Phil… I… it was a game. I didn’t even know what was going on until it happened. I was too busy looking for you and then Tyler was just grabbing my face... and my ass.” 

 Phil took a deep breath and seemed to deflate, all anger gone and just exhaustion left. “I just thought, that maybe you decided to move on.” He said softly and those words cut Dan.

“Phil, not to be so cliché that it’s sickening but no one can ever compete with you. How can I move on where you are literally the oxygen in my lungs?” Dan crept closer to Phil and slowly extended his arms. “And fuck, you are all I ever wanted.” At this, Dan’s voice broke and he started to cry. Phil was in his arms and they were both crying and and it was perfect yet imperfect at the same time. 

“Dan, why haven’t we moved off the first floor yet?” Phil asked a couple seconds later. 

“Oh my god, we never put in our floor number.” Dan answered, rolling his eyes. That made Phil laugh and when Dan took in his appearance of his head titled back and his eyes scrunched up from laughing, Dan decided that while he had probably always been in love with Phil, he fell in love all over again tonight.

_“I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight._

_I didn't mean to fall in love tonight._

_You're looking like you fell in love tonight._

_Could we pretend that we're in love?”_

 

After getting back to their hotel room, they were exhausted and just flung themselves on the bed. Dan’s fingers were lightly brushing the back of Phil’s and their ankles were crossed. Phil broke the silence first. "I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.” Dan just turned his head, waiting to hear the rest of the story. Phil always had such good thoughts and stories and Dan was dying to hear.

“I fell in love with you the moment you fell off the bed during one of our Skype calls. I remembered thinking ‘god, I love this dork’ and just freezing because did I just say that I loved you? I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. You were just my friend and we never even meant in person yet. Yet, you drew me in and I couldn’t escape…” Phil looked at Dan with a half-smile. “You would look at me sometimes with this look and all I could do was think that I hate whoever you would be with and they would see that look on your face everyday.” Phil turned his face away for a minute before looking over again. “I wish we did everything different."

Dan reached over and ran his finger down Phil’s cheek and watched Phil’s eyes flutter shut at the contact. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with you either. But I did and it’s the best thing that I have ever done in my life. After we first kissed and we pretended like we didn’t do anything, it just made me wish we would do it again. Because I could convince myself that during us being drunk and crazy, we were in love. Then, well we added in sex and too intense conversations in the last couple of months and shit, Phil. It was all I wanted yet wasn't at the same time.”

Phil nodded in agreement before whispering, “We were in love but were too stupid to do anything about it. Why did we waste all that time?”

Dan laughed and rolled over on top of Phil. “Because we are fucking stupid. I love you, Phil.” Dan leaned down and softly kissed Phil. It was such a relief to say those words.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and hugged him tightly. “I love you too, Dan.” And they both stayed that way, talking into the night about their feelings and all the thoughts they held back over the years. When the sun came up, they barely got any sleep but felt more awake than ever. (Though Dan literally felt like death from drinking last night but he powered through it by chugging ice cold water and having Phil to keep him feeling good.) This was the first morning in a long time that they woke up in a hotel that didn’t lead to awkward avoidance and pretending that they didn't do anything.

“Hey, Tyler texted you asking if you two kissed,” Phil said, looking down at Dan’s phone. Dan, who was straightening his hair shirtless, looked up with his eyebrows raised. “Yeah, apparently he can’t remember. Connor said it happened but Tyler doesn’t believe it.” The phone vibrated and Phil looked down again and starting talking. “Um. Wow, okay, we are now involved in a group chat. So Cat took a picture of you two. Oh wow, that's a very nice shot of the ass grab. Apparently there are a lot of incriminating photos of everyone... Troye made out with Louise and wow…” Phil trailed off. “You know, I’m kind of glad I decided to talk a walk. This is getting crazy with all of the making out and groping.” Phil was scrolling down, laughing at all the pictures.

Dan finished straightening his hair and looked over Phil’s shoulder to see the texts. “Aw, are you jealous you aren’t in any of these?” He playfully asked, ruffling Phil’s hair.

Phil batted away Dan’s hand. “Very funny.”

Dan just smirked and leaned over and grabbed his phone. Quickly turning on the camera, he faced Phil. “Why don’t we give them something to talk about?” With that, they snapped a picture of them kissing and sent it to the group. Instantly, the texts came pouring in, many were unintelligible letters and ‘ _are you fucking kidding me_ ’ texts. (Of course, Tyler noticed the hickey on Dan’s chest and was quick to point that out.)

After getting dressed, Dan looked over at Phil who was deciding on which socks to wear. He didn’t mean to fall in love with Phil but he wouldn’t change a thing about it.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who had read my other phanfic, "Broken homes, lost souls," please know that I am still working on it! I know it's been forever since I updated but I have not forgotten about it.


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